In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
