I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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