I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
