you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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