please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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