Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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