I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
