I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
