I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
