Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
