Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
