Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
