I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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