Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Every concussion has its silver lining
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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