I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize