My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
