When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize