I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize