How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
