uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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