My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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