awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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