Moan for me like Helen Keller
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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