Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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