Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
