when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
