i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
