You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
