just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
