if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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