Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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