The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
