I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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