Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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