you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
