did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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