LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
