New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
