reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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