at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
