i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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