I can tuck mytits in my pants
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
