Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
