he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
