i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
