i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
