I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
