dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
