by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
