Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
