I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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