I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
