One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
