So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
