Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just tell him i said nine months
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
