Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
