Can i not drive my cunt home
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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